A Breakup Letter from Your Florida Home Insurer
Action required: Check your spam folder. There, nestled between an Office Depot coupon and six LinkedIn alerts, you’ll find something from Citizens Insurance about your coverage eligibility. Homeowners, do not delete this.
Dear VALUED FLORIDA HOMEOWNER,
You’ve received an offer for property insurance from one or more private-market companies participating in Citizens’ Depopulation Program. Basically, if anyone wearing an old green eyeshade and tiny spectacles agrees to take over your policy for less than a 20% premium increase, Citizens can drop you. As Florida’s insurer of last resort, Citizens is here to help you find insurance from a licensed company – or maybe a leathery rollerblader on Clearwater Beach with a cockatoo. The letter will aim to give the illusion of choices, but you’ll see how that plays out.
Yes, in a few paragraphs, you’ll realize only one private company will stoop to insure your hideous box of sticks. Choice is a construct, like money or Maroon 5, and that’s not our problem. In fact, nothing in Florida’s insurance industry is anyone’s fault. Things just… happen around here. Companies split and multiply like resorbed teeth. Lawmakers traditionally respond by standing in a circle and frowning. Damning accountability reports end up mysteriously in drafts next to short stories from the Office of Insurance Regulation. Try not to worry!
For instance, don’t worry about reports showing a history of Florida insurers claiming poverty while funneling billions to their affiliates. Don’t worry that your rates may have been hiked while shareholders enjoyed expensive meals. And please, don’t worry about hurricanes and the protection of your lovely home (popcorn ceilings, really?).
Also, don’t expect to be familiar with any new private insurers vying for your policy. We’re not sure who these companies are, and insurance is, like, our thing. Generally, they’ll be named “SPOONBILL SOLUTIONS” or “CITRUS GREENING EXCHANGE.” If the name contains a shorebird or a tropical fruit, you can trust them.
To make this crucial financial decision, you have to answer our Riddles Three before the sandglass runs out of sand (instructions to acquire a sandglass will arrive in a separate letter). If you do nothing because you never found this letter, Citizens will choose the cheapest offer.
That brings us to your offers:
SAILBOAT VIBES SELECT, estimated renewal premium 12 gold Krugerrands
This concludes your offers.
Approximately 45 days before your new policy takes effect, you’ll hear from your new insurer, or possibly even Minion Kevin from the “Despicable Me” franchise. Whatever you choose, know that it was the only decision to be made. And most importantly, never ever make a claim, because your insurer’s funds might be tied up purchasing roast suckling pigs with apples in their mouths.
The choice is yours. Submit your response today.
Stephanie Hayes is a columnist offering her thoughts on current events, life and culture. She can be reached at [email protected].
